So this is Christmas

Christmas has always been a time I have looked forward to. From November 1st until after the New Year, I have Christmas music playing as a reminder of how much I enjoy the time of year. (too bad it has to happen in winter)

People, for the most part, are happier, albeit temporarily. However, it can be a very sad time of year for many for a number of reasons which include loss of job, loss of home (seems like there have been so many fires this month), no one to share family with, and even loss of family member at this time. The list can go on.

With Christmas, there is often a build up with anticipation, until the gifts are open or you get together with family. For me as I get older, the latter is the anticipation. As far as receiving gifts, that anticipation ended a long time ago as a child. As an adult, when you think about the gifts you might receive, often the anticipation of what you will get is much more exciting than the actual gift opening. For the most part you already have all you need, and what you don't get you could go out and just buy. There are times when we have all probably opened all of our presents and thought, "Is this it, is that all I get?" Devastated that you did not get the Nintendo Wii or a new piece of jewelry that you had asked for.
We are a fairly selfish people at times.

All this to say that this Christmas when you don't get what you want (and most likely don't need anyway) think about what other people are getting for Christmas, or what they are even doing at Christmas. When you watch the above video (not an easy thing to do to watch it all) by John Lennon, think about those who are off fighting in a war and risking their lives for you as you sit and unwrap that gift or of people who are wondering where their next meal is coming from. Or think about someone you know who this past year lost a family member or close friend and how for them Christmas will never be the same again. We often taken our gifts for granted. We don't stop to look at the daily gifts that we have in our family, and friends, and co-workers that we see all the time. Unfortunately, we usually only notice the gifts that they were to us after they are gone.

This Christmas, enjoy the times with the people you are with, because you may not have the same opportunity again next year.

Merry Christmas

50TH BIRTHDAY

A couple of weeks ago I celebrated my 50th birthday in Las Vegas and had a great time. Chris joined us for a few days and my brother and his girlfriend surprised us also with a visit and stayed for a few days also. The best tour we took was a helicopter ride to the Grand Canyon (probably the best way to see it)...next time I think if we were to take the tour again, we would take the ride where the helicopter lands in the Grand Canyon and you stop for lunch and a walk around the Canyon. A trip I won't soon forget, that we caught on video.

Remembering

Was good to remember the memories of John today, and this song brought back a lot of those memories. Wondering where John is right now and thinking of how much pain he was going through for his last few months of his life, especially at the end of it. No easy way to say that suffering is such a horrible thing to watch,I can't imagine the pain he went through. Knowing that he is not suffering does bring comfort, but knowing he is no longer here still brings sadness. Life does go on, and while you don't get "over it", you do adjust. I think all of this reminiscing brings the healing I need to adjust.

Love: It's something that we do.

The words to the song are below. So much of our daily routine deals with relationships with everyone we meet. Whether we know the person well or if it is someone we meet for the first time, how we love should be the same for all (at least that is what I get from reading the Bible). It is not that way at all. It is hard enough to love people I know very well, let alone the strange I see on a daily basis.
The song and the words are just a reminder to me that I am called to love everyone.
Definitely need to work on this, especially with those I know.





I remember well the day we wed
I can see that picture in my head
I still believe the words we said
Forever will ring true
Love is certain, love is kind
Love is yours and love is mine
But it isn't something that we find
It's something that we do
It's holding tight, lettin' go
It's flying high and laying low
Let your strongest feelings show
And your weakness, too
It's a little and a lot to ask
An endless and a welcome task
Love isn't something that we have
It's something that we do
We help to make each other all that we can be
Though we can find our strength and inspiration independently
The way we work together is what sets our love apart
So closely that you can't tell where I end and where you start
It gives me heart remembering how
We started with a simple vow
There's so much to look back on now
Still it feels brand-new
We're on a road that has no end
And each day we begin again
Love's not just something that we're in
It's something that we do
We help to make each other all that we can be
Though we can find our strength and inspiration independently
The way we work together is what sets our love apart
So closely that you can't tell where I end and where you start
Love is wide, love is long
Love is deep and love is strong
Love is why I love this song
And I hope you love it too
I remember well the day we wed
I can see that picture in my head
Love isn't just those words we said
It's something that we do
There's no request too big or small
We give ourselves, we give our all
Love isn't someplace that we fall
It's something that we do

Depression! Grieving! Growing!

It is sometimes nice to reminisce about how things were when I was growing up and the good times in what seems now like a carefree world. Not that I want to live in the past, because that does not do a whole lot of good for anyone. Today I went to Moose Jaw to talk to someone about all the stuff I am going through and dealing with. Depression may not be the problem, but something else. The grieving process may not be over yet, so it is something that I need to deal with. Probably not the cause of all my problems, but possibly a start in the right direction. Time will tell. They say time heals all wounds, but they also say time wounds all heals ;) So the quicker I start the better. The videos posted above (Tribute and That used to be us) tend to help in that direction of grieving as well as remembering. There is a lot more stuff I am working through, but more on that some other time.

Satan's Meeting

Satan's meeting (read even if you're busy)


Satan called a worldwide convention of demons. In his opening address he said, "We can't keep Christians from going to church." "We can't keep them from reading their Bibles and knowing the truth." "We can't even keep them from forming an intimate relationship with their savior." "Once they gain that connection with Jesus, our power over them is broken."

"So let them go to their churches; let them have their covered dish dinners, but steal their time, so they don't have time to develop a relationship with Jesus Christ." "This is what I want you to do", said the devil:

"Distract them from gaining hold of their Savior and maintaining that vital connection throughout their day!" "How shall we do this?" his demons shouted.

"Keep them busy in the non essentials of life and invent innumerable schemes to occupy their minds," he answered.

"Tempt them to spend, spend, spend, and borrow, borrow, borrow."

"Persuade the wives to go to work for long hours and the husbands to work 6-7 days each week, 10-12 hours a day, so they can afford their empty lifestyles."

"Keep them from spending time with their children." "As their families fragment, soon, their homes will offer no escape from the pressures of work!"

"Over-stimulate their minds so that they cannot hear that still, small voice." "Entice them to play the radio or cassette player whenever they drive." "To keep the TV, VCR, CDs and their PCs going constantly in their home and see to it that every store and restaurant in the world plays non-biblical
music constantly." "This will jam their minds and break that union with Christ."

"Fill the coffee tables with magazines and newspapers." "Pound their minds with the news 24 hours a day." "Invade their driving moments with billboards." "Flood their mail boxes with junk mail, mail order catalogs,
sweepstakes, and every kind of newsletter and promotional offering free products , services and false hopes."

"Keep skinny, beautiful models on the magazines and TV so their husbands will believe that outward beauty is what's important, and they'll become dissatisfied with their wives." "Keep the wives too tired to love their husbands at night." "Give them headaches too!" "If they don't give their
husbands the love they need, they will begin to look elsewhere." "That will
fragment their families quickly!"

"Give them Santa Claus to distract them from teaching their children the real meaning of Christmas." "Give them an Easter bunny so they won't talk about his resurrection and power over sin and death."

"Even in their recreation, let them be excessive." "Have them return from their recreation exhausted." "Keep them too busy to go out in nature and reflect on God's creation." "Send them to amusement parks, sporting events, plays, concerts, and movies instead." "Keep them busy, busy, busy!"

"And when they meet for spiritual fellowship, involve them in gossip and small talk so that they leave with troubled consciences."

"Crowd their lives with so many good causes they have no time to seek power from Jesus." "Soon they will be working in their own strength, sacrificing their health and family for the good of the cause." "It will work!"
"It will work!"

It was quite a plan! The demons went eagerly to their assignments causing Christians everywhere to get more busy and more rushed, going here and there. Having little time for their God or their families. Having no time to tell others about the power of Jesus to change lives.

I guess the question is, has the devil been successful at his scheme?

You be the judge! Does "busy" mean:
B-eing
U-nder
S-atan's
Y-oke?

Thoughts that fill my head

Maybe it is no wonder that I think I am going crazy. I just spewed off a lot of the thoughts to someone, that I have been having over and over in my head for the last few days. Life is going so damn fast, no time to blink. Anyway, where to start. Well, lets start with God, because I know that He may be the one stirring up these ideas in my head to get me to think, then again, it could be just me and my mind wanting to know answers to all of this shit.

#1 - I was thinking that if I were a Christian (jury still out - mine anyway) should my life be like it is. In a nutshell... (lets call it the pursuit of the "Canadian dream) hmmmm...eat, sleep, shit, and work, and TV watching which probably fits in with shit anyways. Make money and still pursue things that are pointless. More on that later. That is my life, the simple life, or the useless life at least at this point. Then I was thinking... Do some (note some)other Christians live the same way. Same points that I listed as above, but they go to church. The point I am getting at is ....is this really what God intended for me or for others in this same boat. Is the Christian life as a simple as saying "the prayer" and then you are in. My belief is no. What follows "the prayer" (to me) is a life long commitment to God and His will for me. What is it? What is my "purpose"? I have no freaking clue. More to come. I am 100% sure though that it is not the way things are now. The Christian life is more than sleep, work and "fuck all" at night (Internet, watch TV, yard work, etc). Do we just happen to be more "blessed" in North America than the guy in India who believes what we do and is living in such horrible conditions??? Luke 12:48 says, "From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked."



#2 - I thought about how when you have kids at home, your life revolves around them, not each other. Almost everything you do on weekends or weeknights revolves around your kids. They have hockey, basketball, piano, dance, soccer, baseball and just about every other thing that you can imagine. Seems to me like keeping them busy just to keep them out of trouble. This is all looking back thinking. As a kid growing up, I did a lot of these sports, but with other kids in the park, not an organized outing. My parents would have gone crazy trying to drive 8 kids to all the different events, let alone fork out hundreds of dollars for these events. Just as an aside, I wonder what changed that made us, as parents, feel the need to keep our kids so busy. Then when they leave the house, what a difference it makes, because what life used to revolve around, is no longer there. It really does change the whole dynamics. You go from busy busy busy to (in my case) laze around and do nothing. Just speaking toward my own perspective of the empty nest - 6 years later.


#3. While most of us would probably admit we would like to have more money, we probably do have more than enough for what we need. I was thinking of all the waste, as far as spending that is done. I will speak to my own spending on here. From a Christian perspective, how do I spend my money. We all have bills to pay and mortgage or rent due (those bills that everyone has) but how do I spend some of my "excess cash". I need new furniture or a new dishwasher. Do I really? The grass outside looks pretty brown, maybe I should waste money on watering it? It is only freaking grass, yet what a waste of money for something that does not matter in the list of "things that have meaning" category. I think of all that water wasted and the money spent, and then I thought of people living in countries where water is something they need to walk miles for. Something is really wrong with this picture.
I am pretty sure that God does not give a rip if I have green grass or the best of the best stuff.

Another influential media!!!

I don't tend to use the word dark very much to describe how things are going, I prefer to use words like "shitty", or "just plain lousy". I guess dark (to me)tends to describe the spiritual side, and I must admit that if I were talking about that it would be fucking black right now. The song above (My Immortal) talks to me about living within my head with myself! On the bright side (there is always a bright side - even for me - the realist), I am looking at help.

The other day I talked about how we are so influenced by our parents in what we believe or how we live, and even how we think.......we do the same now with the media. The media has probably more influence on us than probably most people we know. They tell us what to wear, how we should look, what we should eat (healthy or otherwise), what we should watch on TV or shouldn't watch for that matter. They slant their news stories to fit their beliefs (be it conservative or liberal) so as to influence us...and we are influenced by it, and believe it or not (going out on a limb here - won't be the last time either) we are sometimes more influenced by the media than the Bible. We say that we believe the Bible, what we should do and how we should live, what God said and what Jesus preached, but the more that society or the media tells us otherwise, we then become more culturally or ethically tolerable to things that the Bible would tell us otherwise. A lot of cities hold gay pride parades. Thirty years ago that would have been unheard of, but now, because of how the media has portrayed them lately or "promoted" them, you come across as anti-gay or homo-phobic if you even speak against them and what they do. Everyone should still be entitled to an opinion. The Bible speaks quite clearly on homosexuality, yet we have watered it down rather than take a stance.

A couple of days ago, the order of Canada was given to (abortionist) Henry Morgentaler. All thanks mostly to the media. So many other people who are so much more deserving, but the media focuses on ratings and promoting their slants and bias. After hearing the news of being recognized, Morgentaler said "(It's a) sign of recognition for all the work I've done over the years and the sacrifices I've made," Wow, he is not kidding. Isn't that an interesting word he chose, when he uses the word sacrifices!!! All those babies sacrificed for his recognition. Bastard. Oops...probably can't say that. Might be seen as Morgentaler-phobic, or politically incorrect, or maybe even the greatest media "sin" ... being intolerant!!!
FTBS

One small step, one big tumble.

Had lots of time to think this past weekend driving to Minneapolis, but it was a time of one step forward, two steps back....one questioned answered, two more questions asked. Did lots of thinking about God, religion, etc. Thought about how we are influenced by our upbringing about what we believe. Whether Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, Mormon, Jew or Atheist....we are very much influenced by how our parents brought us up in that belief/surrounding. We don't (most of us) question what we believe at that point, some of us don't even question it now. We just assume that our parents are telling us that this is the truth and this is what you need to believe to be "a good person" in life or who/what you need to follow to get to heaven or the equivalent (depending on your faith or lack of). After all, surely our parents would not lie to us about something so important??? So as we grow up, we believe that our religion, or our God is "the one", and everyone elses belief system is wrong (probably even more so in the Christian faith because of the exclusivity of Christ - the only way). It is only recently for me, that I am questioning my faith to see if this is "for real", and not my daddy's faith. There is so much of what is in the Bible that requires faith. Not too much room for logic or reason if your thinking tends to take you along those lines. So many more questions that you once took for granted, but when you stop and think about them you wonder....do I really believe this stuff. Some of this stuff is pretty far fetched when you think about it (I guess this is where faith comes in). I remember watching an episode of All in the Family years ago and in one episode Archie Bunker describes faith as "...believing in something that nobody in his right mind would believe." Maybe I will look for a book and see how others answer these perplexing questions I have. Just wish I had done this (questioning of faith) when I was younger, but for the most part just glad to be doing it even now. Even at Bible College I was never challenged to think about what I believe, but to just have faith and God will show you. I am a realist and skeptic by nature, so that thinking just does not work for me, or, I suppose, it just makes it harder for me. Even in my experiences at church, I find I will listen (when I used to attend church) to what is being said, but never question what is being said or challenge it. I just assume the preacher is speaking and interpreting God's word to all who are there. I need to question these things.
Some of my latest "God Questions" (as I call them), are.....

Why create a people where at some point there is a possibility of hell at the end for some?

When I think of what I learned as a kid in Sunday School or in Bible College, I think there is a lot of really far fetched stuff to believe in, and I suppose not really much different than maybe some of the far fetched beliefs of other World Religions. I am not saying that I don't believe in what the Bible tells us, but am just saying there are lots of things that to me are really "off the wall". For instance, the virgin birth, the fact that God always was, the resurrection, heaven and hell, and the second coming.....just to name a few.

I have not abandoned the faith, just showing where I am struggling and questioning. I believe it is all part of all the other shit I am going through at this time. I wonder if my parents ever questioned what they believed, or did it just pass on down the line from their parents, etc etc etc......

Time to think

This graph represents how things have gone within me over a fairly short period of time. Things are pretty dark right now. I will have lots of time to think over the next few day as I am driving to Minneapolis. I am only one trip away from hitting bottom so I have decided to look into some help. I have decided at least for now, that I don't want to be on medication, as that only masks the real problem of what lies beneath. I may change my mind someday but i would rather get to the root of things than just the surface. The time alone to think may be a good thing, but it can also be a bad thing when negative thoughts come. Regardless, whatever happens...I still see it as a beautiful life.

Thoughts this week!!!!!!!!

One thought I had this week while standing in line is How much time in this life is wasted on things that aren't worth shit. As i was waiting in line, I thought I must wait in line just about everywhere I go, Superstore, the Bank, Tim Horton's, Walmart, traffic, Airport, on the freaking phone (where my call is important so wait on the damn line) ....and I could make this list longer. Not only is time wasted standing in line, but do I really need to be there in the first place. We live in a society where we have so much expendable cash. We spend it on coffee when we could make it at home, we buy junk at Walmart or Superstore that we really don't need or go out to restaurants when we could eat at home. I am sure that I would spend a good 10 - 20 % of my income on shit I don't even need. Which brings me to my next point....

At work there is a Samaritan's Purse poster up saying that a child dies every 20 seconds. How amazing it is that I can walk by that poster a few times a day and not give it much thought other than , yeah, that is too bad. Yet I can wait in the store for something i don't need so I can fill my face, or buy a new TV, or a new lawn chair to sit on outside, or a new BBQ, because the other BBQ, well it is just getting old. Where to draw the line between what we know we should do (take a look at the Tony Campolo video on the right) and what really is not necessary. Just another thought I had this week.

Finally, something that continues to really piss me off, are those guys/girls standing on the street corners holding up the piece of cardboard that says "Hungry and broke. Too polite to steal". Isn't that nice of them that they don't steal....I guess that depends on how you look at it. Here they are stealing from those who give them money (and there must be a lot of people giving them money because they continue to make their living at it). One line they should add at the bottom of their sign as well is "too $&%&$*# lazy to work like the rest of you".
How many places are in need of help, but what the hell, they probably make much better money at this. There are people out there who do need assistance, but when you get lazy people like this, you just get tired of all the handouts.

The cookie cutter church devotional

Still searching for answers ......... for God ......... for purpose, for some sense of enjoyment, happiness (temporary or even permanent), etc. So in my "searching" I went for coffee the other day with someone and we were discussing the church and what it looks like to us. We spoke as if the people in the church were chocolate chip cookies. Giant cookies, little cookies, some with lots of chocolate chips, and others with only a few, some that were homemade, others that were store bought. Then one Sunday morning in came a chocolate chip cookie that had raisins in it. Well the whole church was abuzz. "Quick, someone get those raisins out of here, otherwise the whole batch will be ruined". A little far fetched?... maybe a little. In this analogy the raisins are sin, so are the chocolate chips...but unlike our chocolate chips (which everyone has) we are now seeing something that we don't like. It is one thing to have those chocolate chip sins in full view of everyone, because we all do those things, but to see raisins and chocolate chips mixed together, and wait just a second.........oh my goodness there are some peanuts in there as well as raisins, and "Oh no, they are wearing jeans too!!!" The homemade cookies are the ones who basically believe what your parents believed and the store bought are the ones who became Christians later.

Some sins it seems are more "acceptable" than others...like the ones "we all do or have done", but heaven forbid when we see someone in the church commit a sin that we usually keep buried within the dark deep caves of our hearts and minds. Simply an illustration for all of us on how we treat (whether in word or in thought) those who are either different from us or are displaying those very sins that we also harbour inside.


Obviously, I have still not found what I am looking for......stay tuned.........

Thoughts from today.

Judge not, lest ye be judged. Thought about that verse for awhile this morning. It is amazing how even after all these removed from bible college, how much you still remember, even though it has been far from where I am at lately. Anyway, while I was thinking that verse today, I was thinking about how often I judge others, as well as how often others judge me. I guess in some way shape or form we all do it (not saying it is right), just stating fact. I came to the conclusion on the part about people judging me that it is okay, I can't control what people think of me or my views, just like they can't control what I think about them. It comes down to a heart motive, why we do what we do. I always remember someone from Bible college saying to me, "For every finger you point at someone else, there are two others pointing back at you". Always remember but don't always pay attention to it. But, I try. When I fuck up, I have to move on.

When I judge others, for instance, when I look at them and think or say to them, you know what, you need to do this (sound like doctor dumb ass or Dr. Phil when I do that). I see their imperfections and think if they would only change this or that, they would be the better for it. Maybe they would, maybe they wouldn't but they did not ask for my advice, and even if they did they may not want to hear it anyways.
I need to fix myself first before I can even think of trying to fix them (yeah I can hear the verse that applies here also). Get the freaking two by four out of your own eye, then help them remove the speck. Can I fix myself....maybe. Is church the answer....not now , it is not even on the radar. In fact, right now I find it hard to work in one, when I feel I am not on the same "mission" as those who work there, and are Christian. But, what the heck,it is what it is. Is Jesus the answer....hmmm sounds like the old Sunday School stories we learned in church when it seemed the answer to everything was Jesus, even when the question being asked was, "What has lots of hair, four legs, and barks"? As a five year old you are thinking maybe it is a dog, but because I am in Sunday School, surely the answer has to be Jesus. Digressing, yes. Jesus could be the answer to what is causing my problems....won't admit to a definite yes or no right now though. So when I see that people are having problems I will not give advice....maybe some.... if asked.... maybe. I thought about this today, that how can I tell someone else who is going through a similar issue, that they need to do "this", when I won't do it myself. That is when the light went on.

The other thing I thought about while vacuuming, was the fact of being censored, or stifled, or hushed in what I think or believe and even blog about. So if there are people who read my blog, just a note, it will contain things I think about, or my beliefs about God, and about where I feel the church is headed or even I how see the church, or how I see life and all the things I experience......because I can. So can you. Hell I might even grow from it. We should all have that freedom to speak what we believe....and we should all have that freedom to not share that belief also.

Good? Good enough? For......

That I would be good. How about Good enough?....good what...good friend? good worker? good husband? good person? good father? ...the list could go on and on. I have failed at all of these at some point. In fact, still failing on some if not most, as we speak. Really at another crossroad right now in my life, actually I am at a couple of them. Major ones? Yeah, some might say so! The ones I am thinking of, are big enough that it requires a big step to go and change them. You know those times when you start to think I can't do this anymore...I have reached the end of the rope or end of the line, in what I am doing and I need to change it. Do I really want to change it, or is it just a mood thing right now. I have lost the desire, not 100%, but certainly about 95%, therefore I feel it is necessary to change it, or change my attitude. I can't change what people think of me (based on whatever decision I make), whether they like me or hate me. I need to do what is right for me. For a long time I found I was very much the people pleasing person, still am, for the most part (believe it or not) too, but shit that really wears a person out. Eventually you have to say, NO. Not as easy as it sounds after saying yes for so long. The older you get the harder it is to change, change your way of thinking, change what you have always done, mostly out of habit, change yourself, change from the same routines and tasks that have been performed day after day. Again, this list could go on and on. Sometimes I think it would be just so much easier to start all over, somewhere else. No one knows you, you could be who you really are. It is not only hard to change from the same old same old for yourself, but for those around you who are seeing a change in you, and they don't like the new person you have become. Really it is still the same you, at least on the inside you know you have always had these thoughts but could never express them before because of personality (maybe shy or just not wanting to rock the boat, or afraid of what people will think, etc). One day, you just "wake up" and realize, why should I worry about what other people think of me or my beliefs. This is who I am and is a part of me. As for making the change mentioned at the beginning, well I am working on it. Hmmm I think. I am close to the point of reaching out for help....how close...Hmmm well I guess I am also at the point where I can just say Fuck it. Still patient, waiting to see what the weekend holds, maybe even next week, heck I think I can even wait until July....not sure I want to rush into any life changing decision here, so I need to take my time..............

Mid life Muddling

We have probably all heard the saying that "Life is a beach and then you drown" right? Toning it down just a little, but it still gets the point across. At work tonight I was thinking about all the stuff going on with me, not just mentally :), but also physically. Even before I took on this second job, I noticed how tired I have been getting. Usually I was able to stay up to watch Leno's monologue and the first guest, now I find myself falling asleep even before the monologue is done. Now I know what it is like to be a senior citizen ;) Joking aside, (again, that is the one thing that keeps me somewhat together lately - sense of humour) I thought how even this past week, even the past few weeks, I have been able to "deal with" the mid life crap...or at least to a point. One thing that has helped is going for coffee with someone who is probably going through similar crap. I knew I was not unique to the situation, in fact, there are many I know who have been through it and some who are going through it. Some have gone through it and *$&^$& up, others have gone through it and have not. No big deal. God still loves both the same. Some have had affairs, some have walked away from their marriages, some have worked at their marriage. Some, in fact, have stayed in their marriages, even though it is a $#&^%%^ one. Does God love the one more who stayed and worked at his marriage than any of the others? I don't think so. We all screw up somewhere...we just tend to draw a line in the sand that says as long as I don't cross it, I am okay. One may take drugs, one may drink to excess, some may have affairs, some may gossip, some may steal, the list goes on and on, and none are worse than another, fact is, sin is sin. We too often tend to think that because we only gossip and the other person takes drugs that he is much worse of a sinner than we are. I guess I find that through all this shit, that God is there, His grace is there, His love is there no matter what I do.
No, I am not saying shall we sin then so that grace may abound. I am saying that whenever we do screw up, God is there. I am not using this as a reason to go and do what I want and blame it on mid life...I know what I am doing even when I am going through all the stuff that seems to come. I know God will always be there, for me, for you, for everyone. The one thing I have been doing is finding out what others have done during their MLC (midlife crisis) and I eventually process it, store it in the cave until I find a use for it. In some ways, it helps me to think through some of the possibilities I have already thought through. In other ways, it just clouds the waters, because my mind is thinking, maybe I can get away with that. Still no answers, or at least really clear ones, but I have come to the conclusion that I need to look at all of this (MLC) in light of just myself, and make decisions based on myself...not on how others may feel if I do this or that, whether it makes them happy or disappointed, I don't really care. We will always disappoint people in little and big things, and we will also make people happy in big and little things. I need to make me happy. Surely God does not want us to be miserable. As awful as this sentence may sound.... "If I disappoint you in what I do, shame.... move on...get over it". Don't base your life on what I do or what I don't do. Base it on what you believe you need to do, or what God wants you to do. I know some of you care and that is all good. I care about you too. God cares too. Enjoy the life He gives you, note emphasis on ENJOY .

Still Searching

Lately I have been doing some searching (No, not jobs)....God searching. Most likely it is God nudging, not always, not often (that I can tell anyway), but I just know that there is something going on that He wants to let me know. Most, if not all of the time, it just comes to mind. It doesn't come when someone else says something (although it could- but I still hear a lot of Charlie Brown's teachers voices out there). It usually happens at a time when I am not expecting it, or when I don't have time to think about it, because I may be in the middle of doing something that requires my attention right now. Of course by the time I get back to it (it is like one of those dreams you have in the middle of the night, and remember it as soon as you wake up, and then forget it 3 hours later). I have not learned the art of writing things down that come to me like that. Besides, the first thing on my mind in the morning after getting up (or one of the first things) is coffee.

One of the things I remember is God showing me something that I do, that I should not do. It was kind of cool how he showed me. He did not say it in a loud voice, or convict me reading the Bible (still not there yet - but I did think about it, albeit briefly), but he showed me in another way. I was watching someone else, and initially a sense of judgment on my part toward them came up and then, almost instantaneously I said to myself, I do the same freaking thing (toning things down for the blog). Isn't it amazing how big our sins look when we see them done by someone else. Sometimes He gives me a great illustration to go along with it, but again, not writing it down, I tend to forget. Anyway, one sin brought to my attention, and only a few thousand more to go. It is a start, and I still have a whole life (or what is left of it) to find out what the rest are. So for now, I will most likely keep on doing those things which He has not pointed out or convicted me of. It is not a sin until He convicts me of it. Food for thought or Food for not....just where I am right now.

Politcally incorrect

Sometimes, well most times, I get so tired of the way that we have become a society or a people of political correctness, even in the church. It has gotten to the point where we can't say what we want anymore for fear of offending people. Instead of upsetting the masses we put things in "nice terms" so that we can just get along. I never pictured Jesus as the poster boy for "political correctness magazine". I really have come to appreciate the Don Cherry's and Andy Rooney's of this world, who really don't give a rip what others think of what they have to say. Sure, there are times when they may get censored by the networks, but they still continue the next time to express their opinion. So here is a rant by Andy Rooney from awhile back. After reading it I thought, it is nice to be able to speak ones mind without reprisal.

Andy Rooney...Not Politically Correct, but Correct
Andy Rooney said on "60 Minutes" a few weeks back:

I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens...Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.

Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.

I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?

I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion.

I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.

When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability.

I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!

My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours.

I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.

I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business.

We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them.

I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building.

It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries!

I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe.

I am proud to be from America/Canada and nowhere else And if you don't like my point of view, tough...

Daily Dilemma

One of the things I have been experiencing a lot of lately is how I can go from seeing God to seeing only things I want. The two songs tell how one day I can see God in not only nature but in people I meet. The next day or sometimes the next hour I see the selfishness in me and what I want, not really caring to know that God is there. Just something I thought about, even after I commented yesterday about how seeing two different people who profess Christ, can either turn a person away or toward God.

Moving on

For those wondering, Sunday's post was deleted as it was very offensive to some, and I will not post those entries again on this blog. For those concerned on how I am doing, (without going into detail) I am managing my stuff. I am sure given time, I will be fine. In denial? No, I don't think so. This is just how I am dealing with things.

Figured I would throw in a lighter musical number, I still have my sense of humour.
I'm still a guy - Brad Paisley

Cause and Effect or Change and Affect

I actually took 5 minutes to think about how the past week has been for me. I was listening to the song posted at the top of this page, and while I thought, sure, I miss my youth and all the dreams and plans I had it does not mean I cannot make new plans, set new goals, and still dream about the things I would like. (Whether or not that sounds selfish, I could care less). I thought about some of the changes that took place in the last 5 - 10 years that have had some "profound" effect on me. One of the changes was Chris moving out almost 6 years ago to head off to university, creating the empty nest. Don't get me wrong, I love the empty nest, but it did create a change in the house. As a parent, for the most part, your life revolves around your kids. I believe you spend more time (from the time your kids are born to the time the nest is empty) involved in the lives of them, than with your spouse (I am sure there will be some disagreement here too, but then again we did not agree when I said I believe that most (80%) of men's eyes wander). We go through so many changes, even as couples. When you are first married, for the most part, it is just the two of you. After kids come into the picture ( whether expected or not), it is another change, it is not longer just the two of you. For some, at this time, dreams and goals are put on hold because of life's new addition. Then, after the kids leave the home, it is another change...back to just the two of you. Then, if you are like me, and be thankful you are not, you start to wondering where the hell life went as well as all of the dreams and goals and ambition you had 20 years earlier. Hmmm, all that to say that this is one of the areas where I feel change has changed me. The other area that has changed me, and certainly not for the better is death....but I think I will cover that another time because I have intentionally pushed that way back into the cave ;)

Life sucks right now!!!

Had a good weekend away this past weekend, visiting with some family and friends. Talked about a lot of the stuff I am going through and maybe even some of the "solutions" or possible steps to take to get things back together. Not thinking spiritually here, just life in general and all the other things that are going on with me. Was good to open up and be honest about what is really going on, and not giving a rip about whether or not it would change their opinion of me because of things I have thought about or stuff I am going through. I mean I certainly don't want people who are going to agree with me in what I do or think, but I sure as heck don't want the opposite where people don't like how I am these days because of what I have been thinking about. Over the next couple of weeks I will make some decisions on steps that I feel I need to take to get things back to Hmmmm "normal"...
or otherwise.

Thought some more about some of the things I have been experiencing that were mentioned in that article on ML:

Discontent with life and/or the lifestyle that may have provided happiness for many years.

Boredom with things/people that have hitherto held great interest and dominated your life

Feeling adventurous and wanting to do something completely different

Questioning the meaning of life, and the validity of decisions clearly and easily made years before

Confusion about who you are, or where your life is going.

When I re-read those 5 points over, they all tie together.
I am not suicidal. I was asked that lately if that was an option, and I am not at that point. I would more likely go and travel and live it up rather than take my own life. After all if I am "going to hell", well then lets eat, drink and etc.

Because I am discontent with life I am at the point where I want to be adventurous, and try a bunch of things that are very different. I guess that is why I am taking a p/t job, starting later this month so that I can save money to travel with. (I just thought...am I subconsciously making decisions already)

I feel it is definitely time to find a new f/t job, because I almost feel counterproductive doing what I am doing in the place I am doing it. I don't hate the church. I see the good that it does but because I am "not there", I almost feel uncomfortable being here. A job is a job...a change may be as good as a rest for me right now. I find it next to impossible to attend any of the staff meetings (so I haven't). Also, glad I have not yet been ordered to attend either :) It is much easier to just do work during that time then to pray. Those who can .....

I can really sense the confusion about who I am right now and wondering where my life is going. I really believe that this is not only Mid life, but also male menopause and possibly depression...I am sure they are all the same, just a different name. I should check out the symptoms of the latter two. I know that it still comes down to my choice as to where my life is going, and I have still not decided. All I know is it cannot stay the same for long or I will end up making a rash decision rather than a thought out "plan".

Mid life Part II

Here is the second part of the article on midlife crisis. Nice to know it is only three short parts ;) Hmmm, which mask do I wear today ;) Obviously not much has changed either for me in the past couple of weeks, but then I am not expecting it to either, at least not that quickly. The last week or so I have been to busy to think about it...not the answer, I know....but a good thing nevertheless, because there are times where you reaching a breaking point and really not thinking clearly enough (so a change is as good as a rest)...for now, MLC stuff has been shoved to the back of my brain to be dealt with at a later time...if at all.


Separation
The first stage of mid-life involves a questioning of the personae presented to others in the first 30/40/50 years of life.

Think of a persona as a mask, and recognise that different masks are worn in different situations. In separation, one takes off the masks and looks at them, asking questions such as:

Who is the person underneath the mask?
Are these masks appropriate?
Do they show others what I am really like, or do they present a false picture?
Do they show me what I am really like?
What am I like?
In Myers Briggs terms, this might involve questioning one's personality type. For example, an extrovert who is aware of his type might ask:

Am I really an extrovert?
Is my extrovert behaviour a reflection of my own preferences?
Am I acting like an extrovert because that is what my parents or everyone else expect (or have expected) me to do?
Liminality
The questioning of the personae leads to a large degree of uncertainty - a psychological 'no-man's land'. The old personae have been rejected, perhaps only temporarily, but no new personae have been put in their place. One can therefore feel:

uncertain about 'who I am'
lacking in direction, and unsure how to go forward
apprehensive about making rash, life-changing decisions
fearful about whether this uncertainty is ever going to end
In Myers Briggs terms, the individual may be unsure about his/her type, and seek views and feedback from sources outside of him/her self.

Reintegration
Eventually, the uncertainty lessens, new personae are adopted (usually, more in harmony with what is happening 'within') and what remains uncertain feels quite comfortable (or even an essential part of living). During reintegration, one:

develops a better understanding of 'who I am'
adopts appropriate personae and roles, and re-assesses them on an ongoing basis
retains some sense of liminality (uncertainty)
becomes more comfortable with oneself and others being the way they are
In Myers Briggs terms, the person may finally discover his/her 'true type', and be comfortable that it is a genuine reflection of inner preferences.

Mid-life Mind-set

Lately I have been blaming my change in mood/attitude in life on "Mid-life crisis". Found an article that talks about MLC, but it is rather long. I even read most of it ;) There were quite a few times where it hit the nail right on the head (especailly when I read some of the "symptoms" of it). Not sure where this (MLC) will lead me ... back to "normal" (where I was before MLC), or off the deep end ... which is where I feel headed. Will let you know.
There are a couple of more articles I may post in the next week.


'Midlife Crisis' is something that happens to many of us at some point during our lives (usually, at about 40, give or take 20 years).

Midlife Crisis is a natural process (first identified by the psychologist Carl Jung) and it is a normal part of 'maturing'. However, Midlife Crisis can sometimes feel very uncomfortable, and cause people to seek psychotherapy or counselling, or to make radical lifestyle changes that can be very damaging and are regretted later.

It can help to view Midlife Crisis from the perspective of differing personality types, as this will give you a greater understanding of what is happening.

"Symptoms" of MLC: If you are going through midlife crisis, you might experience a wide range of feelings, such as:

Discontent with life and/or the lifestyle that may have provided happiness for many years
Boredom with things/people that have hitherto held great interest and dominated your life
Feeling adventurous and wanting to do something completely different
Questioning the meaning of life, and the validity of decisions clearly and easily made years before
Confusion about who you are, or where your life is going.
These feelings at mid-life can occur naturally, or they can be brought on by external factors.

One external factor can be debt. The availability of credit has become easier in recent years, through credit cards and telephone/Internet loans. This has made it easier to accumulate debt, and many people turn to debt consolidation or debt management services in order to find their way out of difficulty.

Another external factor can be a bereavement, such as the death of a parent - or other significant loss or change, such as redundancy or divorce. These things can cause significant grief which can be difficult enough to come to terms with on their own. But if they are compounded by the natural process of 'mid-life transition' this can make the whole process of adjustment bewildering and overwhelming.

However, even in the absence of difficult external circumstances, there is still an internal process of change that takes place during midlife. If you don't understand that process it can feel like a 'crisis' and as you attempt to come to terms with it, you may find yourself making poor or irrational decisions that you regret at a later date - eg: leaving your job or spouse and throwing away the security that you have built up in the first part of your adult life.

If you do understand the process of midlife transition, it can make it easier (though still not easy) to navigate your way through it.

The second page in this article will give you an overview of that process, particularly from the personality type perspective. However, if you are finding midlife difficult to deal with, it is worth considering psychotherapy or counselling, as these services can help you steer your way through difficult midlife circumstances without going off the rails.

Carl Jung identified 5 main phases of midlife:

Accommodation (meeting others' expectations - actually, this takes place in the first part of life, but is the context in which midlife processes take place)
Separation (rejecting the accommodated self)
Liminality (a period of uncertainty, where life seems directionless and meanders)
Reintegration (working out 'who I am' and becoming comfortable with that identity)
Individuation (facing up to and accepting the undesirable aspects of our own character)
Over the next few short pages, we'll take a look at each of these stages in more depth.

Accommodation
In the popularised version of Carl Jungs scheme (ie the Myers Briggs model of personality) it is assumed that our preferences are innate - they are with us from birth and not influenced by the environment. What is influenced by the environment is our behaviour and our perception of ourselves. These are influenced by many factors, such as parents, siblings, other children at nursery school, television, the surroundings to our early childhood, etc..

As young children, eager to please, we adapt to those around us, in order to be accepted by them. Our behaviour and perception of ourselves is therefore modified in order to 'fit in' with the various social situations in which we find ourselves. This process, which Jung called 'Accommodation', results in us presenting ourselves as different people in different situations, called 'personae'. As in Greek tragedy, we put on a mask to demonstrate to others how we think we are feeling inside.

Sometimes, the way in which we 'accommodate' to others is different to our true preferences. As an example: suppose a child born with introvert preferences finds that she has to be very extrovert in order to get the love and attention that she needs as a young child. As she grows into adulthood, she continues to act like an extrovert, and believes that she is an extrovert. The real preference for introversion is not recognised. There can also be cultural, social or environmental pressure to behave in certain ways, and these create a "tug o' war" with our self-perceptions. An example is shown in the diagram. In this case, the pressures, and therefore his personae, may lean so heavily towards introversion that he may believe that he is an introvert, whilst his real preference is for extroversion.

It can sometimes take a lot of energy to maintain these personae if they are in conflict with our true preferences. Jung spent much of his life counselling people who had 'accommodated' to become people different to their inner preferences. For these people, mid-life transition can sometimes be a difficult and painful process.

Sometimes there is little difference between our 'true selves' and the personae we present to others. Such people may find mid life transition a less difficult process than those individuals whose personae and inner self are quite different.

Sunday's Stakes

After lots of thinking and blogging and a little bit of talking about sitting on the fence and following God, I have concluded that I am off the fence, and not following God. If I can't be totally devoted/committed to him, I cannot in good faith call myself a Christian. Revelations says be either hot or cold, not luke warm. I have chosen cold. For quite a while I have been walking on the fence, not willing to commit to either side. By my choice, this is where I have decided to be. I guess when I think about it, I am in the same position as when I was luke warm. At least now, we all know where I stand. Honestly, I can pretend to be a Christian behind my mask, but what the heck for. All in or all out. I am tired of living up to what people expect me to be rather than who I am. This is me. This is where I choose to be at this time.

Mike

Question to readers, if there are any out there LOL (anonymous or others)

If you were to stop and think, asking yourself are you happy at this time in your life. What would the answer be? Not looking for a "pat" answer here. Looking for honesty, so for some it may be easier to post as anonymous. If you are happy, what makes you happy, If you are not happy, what is making you unhappy, what can bring that happiness back? No right or wrong answers here. Just looking myself.

Monday Morning Ministry

Here are ten signs you are either probably not in church or probably should not be in church on Sunday.

10. You keep looking at your watch, and wonder why the service is not finished yet.

9. The kids are not misbehaving during the service, so you take the initiative and get things going.

8. You park in the handicap spot, so you can be the first one out after service.

7. You keep watching the nursery monitor for your number to come up so you can leave the service.

6. You look over at the lady next to you in the congregation and wonder where she got her hat.

5. There are only front row seats left so you decide to leave.

4. You read the bulletin, or some book to take you mind off the sermon.

3. The offering plate comes by, and you offer to take.

2. You ask your husband before leaving for church, how does what I am wearing look?

1. You are too busy at home making a list of why you shouldn't be in church instead of being there.

Tuesday's Telling

The following was written by Ben Stein and recited by him on CBS Sunday Morning Commentary, Sunday, 12/18/05.

Herewith at this happy time of year, a few confessions from my beating heart: I have no freaking clue who Nick and Jessica are. I see them on the cover of People and Us constantly when I am buying my dog biscuits and kitty litter. I often ask the checkers at the grocery stores. They never know who Nick and Jessica are either. Who are they? Will it change my life if I know who they are and why they have broken up? Why are they so important? I don't know who Lindsay Lohan is either, and I do not care at all about Tom Cruise's wife.

Am I going to be called before a Senate committee and asked if I am a subversive? Maybe, but I just have no clue who Nick and Jessica are.

If this is what it means to be no longer young. It's not so bad.

Next confession:

I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are: Christmas trees. It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, "Merry Christmas" to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu.

If people want a creche, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.

I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period.

I have no idea where the concept came from that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution, and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.

Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship Nick and Jessica and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him?

I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too.

But there are a lot of us who are wondering where Nick and Jessica came from and where the America we knew went to.

In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke, it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.

Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her "How could God let something like this Happen?" (regarding Katrina)

Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said, "I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives.

And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?

In light of recent events...terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found recently) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK.

Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. the Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said OK.

Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.

Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with "WE REAP WHAT WE SOW."

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says

Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing.

Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.

Are you laughing?