Cause and Effect or Change and Affect

I actually took 5 minutes to think about how the past week has been for me. I was listening to the song posted at the top of this page, and while I thought, sure, I miss my youth and all the dreams and plans I had it does not mean I cannot make new plans, set new goals, and still dream about the things I would like. (Whether or not that sounds selfish, I could care less). I thought about some of the changes that took place in the last 5 - 10 years that have had some "profound" effect on me. One of the changes was Chris moving out almost 6 years ago to head off to university, creating the empty nest. Don't get me wrong, I love the empty nest, but it did create a change in the house. As a parent, for the most part, your life revolves around your kids. I believe you spend more time (from the time your kids are born to the time the nest is empty) involved in the lives of them, than with your spouse (I am sure there will be some disagreement here too, but then again we did not agree when I said I believe that most (80%) of men's eyes wander). We go through so many changes, even as couples. When you are first married, for the most part, it is just the two of you. After kids come into the picture ( whether expected or not), it is another change, it is not longer just the two of you. For some, at this time, dreams and goals are put on hold because of life's new addition. Then, after the kids leave the home, it is another change...back to just the two of you. Then, if you are like me, and be thankful you are not, you start to wondering where the hell life went as well as all of the dreams and goals and ambition you had 20 years earlier. Hmmm, all that to say that this is one of the areas where I feel change has changed me. The other area that has changed me, and certainly not for the better is death....but I think I will cover that another time because I have intentionally pushed that way back into the cave ;)

Life sucks right now!!!

Had a good weekend away this past weekend, visiting with some family and friends. Talked about a lot of the stuff I am going through and maybe even some of the "solutions" or possible steps to take to get things back together. Not thinking spiritually here, just life in general and all the other things that are going on with me. Was good to open up and be honest about what is really going on, and not giving a rip about whether or not it would change their opinion of me because of things I have thought about or stuff I am going through. I mean I certainly don't want people who are going to agree with me in what I do or think, but I sure as heck don't want the opposite where people don't like how I am these days because of what I have been thinking about. Over the next couple of weeks I will make some decisions on steps that I feel I need to take to get things back to Hmmmm "normal"...
or otherwise.

Thought some more about some of the things I have been experiencing that were mentioned in that article on ML:

Discontent with life and/or the lifestyle that may have provided happiness for many years.

Boredom with things/people that have hitherto held great interest and dominated your life

Feeling adventurous and wanting to do something completely different

Questioning the meaning of life, and the validity of decisions clearly and easily made years before

Confusion about who you are, or where your life is going.

When I re-read those 5 points over, they all tie together.
I am not suicidal. I was asked that lately if that was an option, and I am not at that point. I would more likely go and travel and live it up rather than take my own life. After all if I am "going to hell", well then lets eat, drink and etc.

Because I am discontent with life I am at the point where I want to be adventurous, and try a bunch of things that are very different. I guess that is why I am taking a p/t job, starting later this month so that I can save money to travel with. (I just thought...am I subconsciously making decisions already)

I feel it is definitely time to find a new f/t job, because I almost feel counterproductive doing what I am doing in the place I am doing it. I don't hate the church. I see the good that it does but because I am "not there", I almost feel uncomfortable being here. A job is a job...a change may be as good as a rest for me right now. I find it next to impossible to attend any of the staff meetings (so I haven't). Also, glad I have not yet been ordered to attend either :) It is much easier to just do work during that time then to pray. Those who can .....

I can really sense the confusion about who I am right now and wondering where my life is going. I really believe that this is not only Mid life, but also male menopause and possibly depression...I am sure they are all the same, just a different name. I should check out the symptoms of the latter two. I know that it still comes down to my choice as to where my life is going, and I have still not decided. All I know is it cannot stay the same for long or I will end up making a rash decision rather than a thought out "plan".

Mid life Part II

Here is the second part of the article on midlife crisis. Nice to know it is only three short parts ;) Hmmm, which mask do I wear today ;) Obviously not much has changed either for me in the past couple of weeks, but then I am not expecting it to either, at least not that quickly. The last week or so I have been to busy to think about it...not the answer, I know....but a good thing nevertheless, because there are times where you reaching a breaking point and really not thinking clearly enough (so a change is as good as a rest)...for now, MLC stuff has been shoved to the back of my brain to be dealt with at a later time...if at all.


Separation
The first stage of mid-life involves a questioning of the personae presented to others in the first 30/40/50 years of life.

Think of a persona as a mask, and recognise that different masks are worn in different situations. In separation, one takes off the masks and looks at them, asking questions such as:

Who is the person underneath the mask?
Are these masks appropriate?
Do they show others what I am really like, or do they present a false picture?
Do they show me what I am really like?
What am I like?
In Myers Briggs terms, this might involve questioning one's personality type. For example, an extrovert who is aware of his type might ask:

Am I really an extrovert?
Is my extrovert behaviour a reflection of my own preferences?
Am I acting like an extrovert because that is what my parents or everyone else expect (or have expected) me to do?
Liminality
The questioning of the personae leads to a large degree of uncertainty - a psychological 'no-man's land'. The old personae have been rejected, perhaps only temporarily, but no new personae have been put in their place. One can therefore feel:

uncertain about 'who I am'
lacking in direction, and unsure how to go forward
apprehensive about making rash, life-changing decisions
fearful about whether this uncertainty is ever going to end
In Myers Briggs terms, the individual may be unsure about his/her type, and seek views and feedback from sources outside of him/her self.

Reintegration
Eventually, the uncertainty lessens, new personae are adopted (usually, more in harmony with what is happening 'within') and what remains uncertain feels quite comfortable (or even an essential part of living). During reintegration, one:

develops a better understanding of 'who I am'
adopts appropriate personae and roles, and re-assesses them on an ongoing basis
retains some sense of liminality (uncertainty)
becomes more comfortable with oneself and others being the way they are
In Myers Briggs terms, the person may finally discover his/her 'true type', and be comfortable that it is a genuine reflection of inner preferences.