For those wondering, Sunday's post was deleted as it was very offensive to some, and I will not post those entries again on this blog. For those concerned on how I am doing, (without going into detail) I am managing my stuff. I am sure given time, I will be fine. In denial? No, I don't think so. This is just how I am dealing with things.
Figured I would throw in a lighter musical number, I still have my sense of humour.
I'm still a guy - Brad Paisley
2 comments:
Mike,
I do sense your frustration in what I believe is your honest search for the truth, for who you are. I too am going through a thorough evaluation of myself: beliefs, relationships, what I do and why...to discover who I really am. In short, I feel like a fake and I am sick of it. I too want to be real, genuine, authentic and live the rest of this life I have been given to the fullest.
Without a doubt,the most sensitive area I am dealing with is my belief in God and the church (those who agree that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and are seeking to know Him and obey Him). I have been hurt greatly by Christians and I must admit that I have hurt them.
The church is not always a safe place to freely express our deep struggles without fear of being judged or rejected--but it should be! It should be a place of acceptance, open arms, unconditional love and healing, regardless of who comes in and regardless of the darkness of the struggle that they are facing. We may even feel personally offended, but as followers of Jesus, love leaves no place for offence.
Jesus has open arms. We, the church, really do in our hearts want to know Jesus and be like Him. We are all suffering growing pains as we are coming to know Him. Again, His arms are wide open and He is not the least bit offended by our honest though difficult questions. I, however, am quite judgemental. Jesus has recently shown me a glimpse of myself in this judgemental/Jesus role and asked me who I was representing. You Lord, I said, and I'm defending You. He went on to gently reveal to me that He is not at all like that and that I only drive others away from Him by treating them harshly as I did. The truth is that each of us is won over by His lavish perfect eternal love, yes, even when we least deserve it, especially when we least deserve it.
So, let each of us be released to ask the tough questions, honestly, from the heart (for I believe God loves this). We may offend others, but may it be the deepest desire of our heart not to. And if we are the ones offended, let us look to Jesus and faithfully represent Him by refusing offense and loving lavishly on whomever He puts in our path.
At the point where I am at, I will continue to muddle through and do what I feel is best right now for me. Does that mean going to church? Maybe someday. Although I do not feel right now that that is the answer, for me. I have no desire...which if there were, it would have to come from God. So I can wait. Now having said that, after a visit at the garden center on Tuesday, I ran into someone I had met a few years ago, and we were talking about church stuff. For a short while (couple of hours)I considered going back ... but shortly afterward was turned off by another "Christian". I know, I need to get over what the "other guy" is doing or saying...it is really not my problem..... it is theirs, and between them and God. I find it much easier right now to do and think through most things on my own. Some issues I will bring up with others....where maybe I struggle more in finding a certain answer, or maybe just to vent .... but other things I like to just do my own digging and searching on issues I don't feel necessary to share (hence the mask). Sometimes a mask is necessary, because we do not need to share everything with everyone. Sometimes the mask protects us, but it's still a shame that there is the need to wear one. That is me, and where I am, not only going through a change of life (mid and otherwise), but change in desire....desire to know God, desire to change things that have become either same old same or just plain tiresome. New desires come, and even in one recent small change - which has created a desire to move on, to welcome new beginnings and friendships, to think that change can be a great thing where before it was seen only as more of an inconvenience.
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