Time to think

This graph represents how things have gone within me over a fairly short period of time. Things are pretty dark right now. I will have lots of time to think over the next few day as I am driving to Minneapolis. I am only one trip away from hitting bottom so I have decided to look into some help. I have decided at least for now, that I don't want to be on medication, as that only masks the real problem of what lies beneath. I may change my mind someday but i would rather get to the root of things than just the surface. The time alone to think may be a good thing, but it can also be a bad thing when negative thoughts come. Regardless, whatever happens...I still see it as a beautiful life.

Thoughts this week!!!!!!!!

One thought I had this week while standing in line is How much time in this life is wasted on things that aren't worth shit. As i was waiting in line, I thought I must wait in line just about everywhere I go, Superstore, the Bank, Tim Horton's, Walmart, traffic, Airport, on the freaking phone (where my call is important so wait on the damn line) ....and I could make this list longer. Not only is time wasted standing in line, but do I really need to be there in the first place. We live in a society where we have so much expendable cash. We spend it on coffee when we could make it at home, we buy junk at Walmart or Superstore that we really don't need or go out to restaurants when we could eat at home. I am sure that I would spend a good 10 - 20 % of my income on shit I don't even need. Which brings me to my next point....

At work there is a Samaritan's Purse poster up saying that a child dies every 20 seconds. How amazing it is that I can walk by that poster a few times a day and not give it much thought other than , yeah, that is too bad. Yet I can wait in the store for something i don't need so I can fill my face, or buy a new TV, or a new lawn chair to sit on outside, or a new BBQ, because the other BBQ, well it is just getting old. Where to draw the line between what we know we should do (take a look at the Tony Campolo video on the right) and what really is not necessary. Just another thought I had this week.

Finally, something that continues to really piss me off, are those guys/girls standing on the street corners holding up the piece of cardboard that says "Hungry and broke. Too polite to steal". Isn't that nice of them that they don't steal....I guess that depends on how you look at it. Here they are stealing from those who give them money (and there must be a lot of people giving them money because they continue to make their living at it). One line they should add at the bottom of their sign as well is "too $&%&$*# lazy to work like the rest of you".
How many places are in need of help, but what the hell, they probably make much better money at this. There are people out there who do need assistance, but when you get lazy people like this, you just get tired of all the handouts.

The cookie cutter church devotional

Still searching for answers ......... for God ......... for purpose, for some sense of enjoyment, happiness (temporary or even permanent), etc. So in my "searching" I went for coffee the other day with someone and we were discussing the church and what it looks like to us. We spoke as if the people in the church were chocolate chip cookies. Giant cookies, little cookies, some with lots of chocolate chips, and others with only a few, some that were homemade, others that were store bought. Then one Sunday morning in came a chocolate chip cookie that had raisins in it. Well the whole church was abuzz. "Quick, someone get those raisins out of here, otherwise the whole batch will be ruined". A little far fetched?... maybe a little. In this analogy the raisins are sin, so are the chocolate chips...but unlike our chocolate chips (which everyone has) we are now seeing something that we don't like. It is one thing to have those chocolate chip sins in full view of everyone, because we all do those things, but to see raisins and chocolate chips mixed together, and wait just a second.........oh my goodness there are some peanuts in there as well as raisins, and "Oh no, they are wearing jeans too!!!" The homemade cookies are the ones who basically believe what your parents believed and the store bought are the ones who became Christians later.

Some sins it seems are more "acceptable" than others...like the ones "we all do or have done", but heaven forbid when we see someone in the church commit a sin that we usually keep buried within the dark deep caves of our hearts and minds. Simply an illustration for all of us on how we treat (whether in word or in thought) those who are either different from us or are displaying those very sins that we also harbour inside.


Obviously, I have still not found what I am looking for......stay tuned.........

Thoughts from today.

Judge not, lest ye be judged. Thought about that verse for awhile this morning. It is amazing how even after all these removed from bible college, how much you still remember, even though it has been far from where I am at lately. Anyway, while I was thinking that verse today, I was thinking about how often I judge others, as well as how often others judge me. I guess in some way shape or form we all do it (not saying it is right), just stating fact. I came to the conclusion on the part about people judging me that it is okay, I can't control what people think of me or my views, just like they can't control what I think about them. It comes down to a heart motive, why we do what we do. I always remember someone from Bible college saying to me, "For every finger you point at someone else, there are two others pointing back at you". Always remember but don't always pay attention to it. But, I try. When I fuck up, I have to move on.

When I judge others, for instance, when I look at them and think or say to them, you know what, you need to do this (sound like doctor dumb ass or Dr. Phil when I do that). I see their imperfections and think if they would only change this or that, they would be the better for it. Maybe they would, maybe they wouldn't but they did not ask for my advice, and even if they did they may not want to hear it anyways.
I need to fix myself first before I can even think of trying to fix them (yeah I can hear the verse that applies here also). Get the freaking two by four out of your own eye, then help them remove the speck. Can I fix myself....maybe. Is church the answer....not now , it is not even on the radar. In fact, right now I find it hard to work in one, when I feel I am not on the same "mission" as those who work there, and are Christian. But, what the heck,it is what it is. Is Jesus the answer....hmmm sounds like the old Sunday School stories we learned in church when it seemed the answer to everything was Jesus, even when the question being asked was, "What has lots of hair, four legs, and barks"? As a five year old you are thinking maybe it is a dog, but because I am in Sunday School, surely the answer has to be Jesus. Digressing, yes. Jesus could be the answer to what is causing my problems....won't admit to a definite yes or no right now though. So when I see that people are having problems I will not give advice....maybe some.... if asked.... maybe. I thought about this today, that how can I tell someone else who is going through a similar issue, that they need to do "this", when I won't do it myself. That is when the light went on.

The other thing I thought about while vacuuming, was the fact of being censored, or stifled, or hushed in what I think or believe and even blog about. So if there are people who read my blog, just a note, it will contain things I think about, or my beliefs about God, and about where I feel the church is headed or even I how see the church, or how I see life and all the things I experience......because I can. So can you. Hell I might even grow from it. We should all have that freedom to speak what we believe....and we should all have that freedom to not share that belief also.

Good? Good enough? For......

That I would be good. How about Good enough?....good what...good friend? good worker? good husband? good person? good father? ...the list could go on and on. I have failed at all of these at some point. In fact, still failing on some if not most, as we speak. Really at another crossroad right now in my life, actually I am at a couple of them. Major ones? Yeah, some might say so! The ones I am thinking of, are big enough that it requires a big step to go and change them. You know those times when you start to think I can't do this anymore...I have reached the end of the rope or end of the line, in what I am doing and I need to change it. Do I really want to change it, or is it just a mood thing right now. I have lost the desire, not 100%, but certainly about 95%, therefore I feel it is necessary to change it, or change my attitude. I can't change what people think of me (based on whatever decision I make), whether they like me or hate me. I need to do what is right for me. For a long time I found I was very much the people pleasing person, still am, for the most part (believe it or not) too, but shit that really wears a person out. Eventually you have to say, NO. Not as easy as it sounds after saying yes for so long. The older you get the harder it is to change, change your way of thinking, change what you have always done, mostly out of habit, change yourself, change from the same routines and tasks that have been performed day after day. Again, this list could go on and on. Sometimes I think it would be just so much easier to start all over, somewhere else. No one knows you, you could be who you really are. It is not only hard to change from the same old same old for yourself, but for those around you who are seeing a change in you, and they don't like the new person you have become. Really it is still the same you, at least on the inside you know you have always had these thoughts but could never express them before because of personality (maybe shy or just not wanting to rock the boat, or afraid of what people will think, etc). One day, you just "wake up" and realize, why should I worry about what other people think of me or my beliefs. This is who I am and is a part of me. As for making the change mentioned at the beginning, well I am working on it. Hmmm I think. I am close to the point of reaching out for help....how close...Hmmm well I guess I am also at the point where I can just say Fuck it. Still patient, waiting to see what the weekend holds, maybe even next week, heck I think I can even wait until July....not sure I want to rush into any life changing decision here, so I need to take my time..............

Mid life Muddling

We have probably all heard the saying that "Life is a beach and then you drown" right? Toning it down just a little, but it still gets the point across. At work tonight I was thinking about all the stuff going on with me, not just mentally :), but also physically. Even before I took on this second job, I noticed how tired I have been getting. Usually I was able to stay up to watch Leno's monologue and the first guest, now I find myself falling asleep even before the monologue is done. Now I know what it is like to be a senior citizen ;) Joking aside, (again, that is the one thing that keeps me somewhat together lately - sense of humour) I thought how even this past week, even the past few weeks, I have been able to "deal with" the mid life crap...or at least to a point. One thing that has helped is going for coffee with someone who is probably going through similar crap. I knew I was not unique to the situation, in fact, there are many I know who have been through it and some who are going through it. Some have gone through it and *$&^$& up, others have gone through it and have not. No big deal. God still loves both the same. Some have had affairs, some have walked away from their marriages, some have worked at their marriage. Some, in fact, have stayed in their marriages, even though it is a $#&^%%^ one. Does God love the one more who stayed and worked at his marriage than any of the others? I don't think so. We all screw up somewhere...we just tend to draw a line in the sand that says as long as I don't cross it, I am okay. One may take drugs, one may drink to excess, some may have affairs, some may gossip, some may steal, the list goes on and on, and none are worse than another, fact is, sin is sin. We too often tend to think that because we only gossip and the other person takes drugs that he is much worse of a sinner than we are. I guess I find that through all this shit, that God is there, His grace is there, His love is there no matter what I do.
No, I am not saying shall we sin then so that grace may abound. I am saying that whenever we do screw up, God is there. I am not using this as a reason to go and do what I want and blame it on mid life...I know what I am doing even when I am going through all the stuff that seems to come. I know God will always be there, for me, for you, for everyone. The one thing I have been doing is finding out what others have done during their MLC (midlife crisis) and I eventually process it, store it in the cave until I find a use for it. In some ways, it helps me to think through some of the possibilities I have already thought through. In other ways, it just clouds the waters, because my mind is thinking, maybe I can get away with that. Still no answers, or at least really clear ones, but I have come to the conclusion that I need to look at all of this (MLC) in light of just myself, and make decisions based on myself...not on how others may feel if I do this or that, whether it makes them happy or disappointed, I don't really care. We will always disappoint people in little and big things, and we will also make people happy in big and little things. I need to make me happy. Surely God does not want us to be miserable. As awful as this sentence may sound.... "If I disappoint you in what I do, shame.... move on...get over it". Don't base your life on what I do or what I don't do. Base it on what you believe you need to do, or what God wants you to do. I know some of you care and that is all good. I care about you too. God cares too. Enjoy the life He gives you, note emphasis on ENJOY .

Still Searching

Lately I have been doing some searching (No, not jobs)....God searching. Most likely it is God nudging, not always, not often (that I can tell anyway), but I just know that there is something going on that He wants to let me know. Most, if not all of the time, it just comes to mind. It doesn't come when someone else says something (although it could- but I still hear a lot of Charlie Brown's teachers voices out there). It usually happens at a time when I am not expecting it, or when I don't have time to think about it, because I may be in the middle of doing something that requires my attention right now. Of course by the time I get back to it (it is like one of those dreams you have in the middle of the night, and remember it as soon as you wake up, and then forget it 3 hours later). I have not learned the art of writing things down that come to me like that. Besides, the first thing on my mind in the morning after getting up (or one of the first things) is coffee.

One of the things I remember is God showing me something that I do, that I should not do. It was kind of cool how he showed me. He did not say it in a loud voice, or convict me reading the Bible (still not there yet - but I did think about it, albeit briefly), but he showed me in another way. I was watching someone else, and initially a sense of judgment on my part toward them came up and then, almost instantaneously I said to myself, I do the same freaking thing (toning things down for the blog). Isn't it amazing how big our sins look when we see them done by someone else. Sometimes He gives me a great illustration to go along with it, but again, not writing it down, I tend to forget. Anyway, one sin brought to my attention, and only a few thousand more to go. It is a start, and I still have a whole life (or what is left of it) to find out what the rest are. So for now, I will most likely keep on doing those things which He has not pointed out or convicted me of. It is not a sin until He convicts me of it. Food for thought or Food for not....just where I am right now.